I wrote this piece for a show curated / led by Daniel Bye called 'The 7.30 News Bulletin' which was performed at Theatre in the Mill on Saturday 4th May 2013.
The show was made / performed by Dick Bonham, Evie Manning, Dermot Daly, Iain Bloomfield, Daniel Bye, Josh Coates and Lizi Patch. I did some writing as did Dominic Grace. The set up consisted of folk coming together (I wasn't even meant to be there but, happily, got kind of dragged in) reading 3 days worth of newspapers and then responding by making a show...
On the night, the piece that follows below was performed by Dermot Daly. I wish I could have seen him do it. I hear he was fantastic, but for reasons that will become clear, I couldn't be there...
Dermot Daly (photo by Jonathan Turner)
This can be read out by anyone. They should read it while being stood up
Hello there. I’m Emma Adams. I write plays and I’ve been working with the 7.30 news team over the last few days. So, just to let you know a little about myself, I’m 43 years old and I have lived around Bradford and Leeds all my life.
Also. To put all of your minds at rest. I’m white. And I don’t mean the Eastern European kind that is becoming such a worry for people writing in our papers. I’m absolutely the right kind of white that has always lived upon these shores. In so far as I have Scottish ancestry and so have a bit of Celtic blood. Probably. Anyway, Celts are white and have always lived upon these shores. Though it’s also probably fair to say that my DNA may have Norman and Viking tendencies too. Normans and Vikings were white but they invaded these shores. Plus, I have a great grandmother on my paternal side who was a Native American. But I think you’ll find I’m at least as white as all the other white people worrying about the over abundance of non-white and/or the wrong kind of white people who are invading our country.
I say this because context is important. In the news. Isn’t it?
Anyway, I’m here, possessing the body of Dick/Evie/Dan/ Iain/Dermot Josh or Dom because I can’t be with you in my physical form tonight. This is because, at this very second I’m watching a different theatre show called ‘The Thing About Psychopaths’ by Red Ladder Theatre Company at The Lantern Theatre in Liverpool. This isn’t because I got kicked off Dan’s show by the way. Going to see the Red Ladder show is a long standing engagement. I wasn’t really even meant to be in this show. 3 days ago I came to Theatre in the Mill on a different errand but then got sucked into Dan’s evil web of creativity and never left. Until now. Obviously.
Anyway, what else can I tell you? That’s important? That’s news?
Because Dan asked that I write something for you. A news flash from a female perspective. Most of the people who applied to come and do the show with him this evening were, by coincidence, blokes and so he thought a female voice, here on stage could be important.
So what else? What’s news? From where I’m standing. As a woman.
Well, having read the papers over the last few days, I’ve realized, that the most important thing you’ll want to know is that I’ve got frankly enormous tits.
I wouldn’t usually mention this in conversation, but it feels only right to put this out into the room. My juicy jugs are fucking titanic. And just to put all of your minds at rest, I’m going on record here tonight and am saying categorically that my great big hooters are all natural and have not been surgically altered. Though because I’m a lesbian these lovely big handfuls are all of course going to waste.
That’s the headline dealt with. Is there anything else you need to know about me and the news? As a woman?
I have a fang. A weird tooth. It sticks out a bit. I quite like it. Mainly for the following reason. My fang means that in every single primary school I have ever visited doing creative sessions, at some point, a little group of children has gathered around my ankles and asked ‘Miss? Is it true? Are you a vampire?’
I don’t believe in lying to children so I explain as calmly as I can ‘Yes children, you’re very, very observant. I am a vampire. All artists who rely on subsidy are fucking vampires, sucking the life blood of productivity out of this great nation of ours, destroying the entrepreneur spirit and weakening the gene pool.’
That’s what I tell them. Word for word. Apart from I don’t say ‘fucking’ when I’m really talking to primary children. I just put it in for you, just now, for effect, so that you’ll think I’m cool.
And also so you’ll be distracted and not notice that the bit above, inspired by the Maria Miller speech from last week, was strictly speaking, old news. And old news is rubbish. But if you say fuck or fucking a bit, it freshens it up. Makes it feel more now.
What else? What more can I flash at you from my personal female perspective?
Because having said yes to Dan. Having said yes, I will do this piece for the show. The thing is, now that I’m sitting down to write. And to be clear, I am sitting. I know I look like I’m standing. But I’m not. I really am sitting down. But it probably just looks better to stage it this way, with me standing. And that’s fine. Isn’t it? To change things a bit. If it makes things look a bit better. I think so. Anyway I digress… The thing is, that now I’ve sat down to write, it’s all feeling like quite a big responsibility. I mean I may not have the skills and experience to talk for all women. And I don’t want to fuck this mission up. Now that I’ve accepted it, I want to get it right. You can understand that.
Or that’s how I felt when I was sitting down to write the piece. But of course now I’m sitting over in Liverpool. Watching Red Ladder’s show. And from what I can see here, I’m beginning to realise I needn’t have worried.
Because here in my audience, I notice that there are many, many women in the theatre. And if you look around yourselves, well look! There are many, many women sitting in the room here in the Mill too. Being silent. Watching. So instead of writing something on everyone’s behalf, I thought we could turn the lights on the audience and ask some relevant, pertinent questions of the women amongst us.
So lets get started. Ladies in the room, lets get right to the heart of it. Because it’s time to find out what everyone wants to know.
Have you started getting your bikini body ready for the summer yet?